Communicating Under
Pressure
How we talk and how we listen are always important, but when the
pressure is on they become even more important. During stressful times,
it is easy to experience misunderstandings that sometimes result in
adding more stress to the situation. At times like this, it is helpful
to reexamine how we communicate.
Whether we are communicating with lenders, creditors or
family members, the three principles for effective communication are
speaking carefully, listening effectively and responding accurately.
Here are specific ways to minimize misunderstanding:
Speak Carefully
Be specific.
Listeners are not mind readers. Specifically define the
problem or name the feeling. It is unlikely that others will know what
we are wanting or feeling if we leave them guessing.
Stay focused.
Discuss only the issue at hand. Getting off the track
and bringing up old issues is confusing and irritating. Don't say
things you don't mean and threaten things you won't carry out.
Say less.
Silence is helpful when emotions are strong, when we feel
stressed or tired. Often, during those times, we say things we do not
mean. We tend to exaggerate or escalate the situation to magnitudes
that are not real.
Say it with tact.
Ban blaming. Keep comments descriptive rather than
critical, blaming or all-knowing. Avoid criticism and sarcasm. "I"
statements are less threatening to the listener.
Listen Attentively
Listen with empathy.
Put yourself in their shoes. Try to understand their
perspective. It is not necessary to agree with the other point of view
to understand or empathize with it.
Listen without interrupting.
Sometimes it is necessary to stop talking to hear all of
the words. Concentrate on the words and pay careful attention to the
nonverbal gestures. Eliminate both mental and physical distractions.
Receive criticism successfully.
Put your shields up. Act like a coffee filter. Strain out the emotional grounds - like fear or anger - from the facts.
Accept what is said without giving advice.
There are times when we believe the speaker is wrong, and
we want to tell them. It would feel so good to tell them what to do.
However, even when the advice is eventually followed, the timing is
important. It is best to listen, to support and to let the feelings be
heard before offering any advice.
Speak Carefully
Get all the facts.
Listen carefully until you understand what is being said.
Ask the speaker to clarify anything that you don't understand. But
don't ask too many questions, as that can be distracting.
Check your interpretations.
The goal of communication is to understand. Listeners
interpret what is being said. It is important to check with the speaker
to be sure that what you heard is what the speaker meant. Ask the
speaker if your perspective is accurate. For example: "Do I understand
you to mean…?" "Did you say...?"
Be honest.
Stay honest as you say, "I understand why you feel that
way." Acknowledging and accepting the speaker's feelings does not mean
that you agree with them.
Listen to yourself.
Make a conscious effort to hear how you speak. Do you
have a positive or negative attitude? What is your tone of voice? A
steady stream of snappy responses puts others on the defensive.
Although we may not always get what we want, it is
important to clearly make our wishes known so we don't build up
resentment. Listening to understand others' needs and wants with
sensitivity demonstrates a caring attitude. When everyone involved in
the communication process speaks and listens carefully, it is easier to
share perceptions and feelings while moving toward understanding one
another.
Sharon M. Danes, Professor, Family Social Science Department
